I spend a lot of time on the message boards of the National Alliance of the Mentally Ill. I find solace and odd comfort exchanging ideas about how to keep strong with other people confronted by seemingly insurmountable challenges. I asked my husband if he would go to a local NAMI meeting with me once we get settled, and he said "no, why would I want to go and spend time with other people who are suffering with such hardship when we ourselves are living it? What possible comfort could you glean from being around so much misery?"
Well, I had to pause and think about it...why do I get comfort from knowing that I am not the only human being in a circumstance such as mine? How is it that I have a natural leaning towards reading books on "self-help;" this has actually been a family joke; I have been teased by family members about my historical quest in learning about how human beings survive, and thrive despite amazing, impossible challenges because I thought I had survived and come through a very, very difficult time when I was in my twenties...the "hard time" of my twenties was child's play compared to what my forties have brought me.
In my twenties, I was confronted by things which would bring most people to their knees...and I came through it, I survived and overcame, and my current set of friends or colleagues would never guess the secret life I led. I promised myself that I would spend the rest of my life doing everything humanly possible to be the best person I could personally be...nothing was going to touch me...I was invincible. Through sheer discipline and heroic efforts, I pulled myself through staggering odds to become what most would consider "successful." I was so happy...I was convinced that although life might throw me a few curve balls, that I could and would handle ANYTHING, I was strong, nothin' could touch me, and then, somehow, the very two small microscopic pinpoints of possible weakness were tore open, ripped wide, and shredded...evil found my Achilles Heels.
Here is the irony, here is what I am able to do, nothing. Not a GD thing. I have to standby and be aware of some of the most inconceivable issues which cause great suffering, and I have zero ability to impact or change...this has been a staggering blow to my being. I am a "doer," and about 8 months ago my entire life came tumbling down, I was hit by a Mack truck, twice. I have been disemboweled....and I hate the way this sounds...I sound "self absorbed," weak, as if I somehow have the monopoly on pain and suffering, when I know that this is simply not true. I can say with conviction though, that MOST American women will NEVER be confronted by what my life has brought me.
And so I flail, I am like a fish gasping for oxygen out of water, pulled from the water of my ignorant confidence, flopping around on the shore trying not to die. I have to "watch" and wait, wait for things to unfold and wonder, and ask, and figure out a new way to "be." There are a few people who know my story, and when they discover how things are, I get the response that "their problems now seem so insignificant." This does little to comfort me, knowing that my challenges/problems are perhaps greater than most. I hate the way this even sounds...how can I be this arrogant even in my inability to change the great suffering, grieving and sadness I am confronted by. I feel shame, shame to feel this ineffective, fear and frustration that I cannot do or change anything, paralysis, anger...you don't get "used to things."
Yet, yet, I know that human beings are resilient. That if one truly believes in God, then one has to know that he would not put something in one's life and leave that human being "alone" in their suffering. The way I am coping (kind of), is to know that my entire life has been a "training ground" for this time. That it is only through acceptance which my suffering is relieved...acceptance of what I cannot impact...it sounds so cliche...I still get angry, how could this have happened to us? We worked so hard, we sacrificed so much, we loved so unconditionally, we did the "right things,"... how could this be? Those are empty questions...the universe does not care, the universe instead wants me/us to move forward anyway.
Daily I take what ever small glimmer of positive hope, take what ever is unfolding and put a "positive spin" on it, just to survive. Others do this better than I. Others are able to compartmentalize, knowing that it is fruitless to put energy, or effort into issues which one cannot impact anyway...I really remain shocked that this is how my life has unfolded...all my aspirations have been set aside...my life has been reduced to "getting through," minute by minute, hour by hour, maybe sometimes having a cluster of hours which I bathe in peace...but normally not, because I have a "new normal", and I am learning how to "live" again. Is it foolish to have hope? My history tells me no, and yes, there is such a duality in life in nature...and I blog here because I have a need to express that deep seeded pain, like Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream," but the bottom line is that unless one experiences this, or something similar to this, and there are so few of us, no one can truly understand...and this is why I find some solace in the presence of others who might be experiencing some similar experience, and the really amazingly horrific thing, even among those circles, I often stand alone, being confronted by not just one life altering, staggering, impossible phenomena, but two...and all I can do is accept, wait, pray, be there, and somehow figure out how I am supposed to live now that the plans I originally made for years and years have been wiped away completely.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
A Fool's Game?
Sometimes I question all that has been placed before me...I used to have a very strong faith. I know God is real, I have experienced his/her/it's presence numerous times in my life...I have tried to stop believing in a greater power because I feel as if I have been abandoned during the most difficult trials; and yet, always, there is that "still small voice" urging me to go on, to continue, to not give up...this is my destiny.
Just moved to a new city...Spokane...beautiful, clean, people are friendly, the weather is awesome...I sit outside and watch the deer, the wild turkey, the quail, the frogs, the plants, and watch the clouds pass by, and think, there has GOT to be a bigger plan, bigger than me, bigger than my fear, my worries, my concern about what the future challenges will be...I must embrace the notion that if "he brings you to it, he will bring you through it."
I think at some point in time I will have to share more details about my life so readers can truly understand what it is I am wrestling with, but I may need to reformat the blog to protect the identity of the "characters" in my life's play. If I wrote my "story," no one would believe it, which leads me to consider writing it anyway. Seeking peace and prosperity in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.
Just moved to a new city...Spokane...beautiful, clean, people are friendly, the weather is awesome...I sit outside and watch the deer, the wild turkey, the quail, the frogs, the plants, and watch the clouds pass by, and think, there has GOT to be a bigger plan, bigger than me, bigger than my fear, my worries, my concern about what the future challenges will be...I must embrace the notion that if "he brings you to it, he will bring you through it."
I think at some point in time I will have to share more details about my life so readers can truly understand what it is I am wrestling with, but I may need to reformat the blog to protect the identity of the "characters" in my life's play. If I wrote my "story," no one would believe it, which leads me to consider writing it anyway. Seeking peace and prosperity in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Musings of My Recent Move and the Economy
Fact: I enjoy "government run health care." I worked hard for the last 20 years and pay a tremendous amount of taxes, and love my guns, JC, and prefer "smaller government;" but I STILL believe that my neighbor should have the ability to purchase baseline health care coverage for their family members. I would prefer term limits, a flat tax, no lobbying, and that the stimulus money should have been used to put working class Americans to work versus handed off to the wealthy bankers who laugh at our stupidity.
I feel like I am "doing my part" in spending...just bought a home, and here are the jobs which were created/sustained to assist with that move: the moving guys, the cable guys, the realtors, the loan officers, the title people, the inspectors, the furniture sales people, the retail clerks, the phone people, the satellite installers, the transportation people who brought me here (the airline employees etc) (and all of their bosses and stakeholders)...I tried to buy American when ever possible, but to be frank, it is almost impossible to find ANYTHING "made in America."
There was a young man who was here installing our satellite...he was a believer in the entrepreneurial spirit, working long hours so he could be independent, and he owns his "own business." He is a sub-contractor, one of the guys contacted by the really big company to come in an install my connection to the world. We had a great conversation, and he shared with me how he had two kids, 3, and 5, and how his wife had to work outside of the home just to get health care coverage because their daughter has asthma (now, thanks to reform, his daughter cannot be denied "coverage," but her medicine costs $500 per month, and his wife cannot quit her job to stay home to care for their children because they cannot afford the medications). There are many Americans who are slaves to their employment just for the health care coverage (IF it is offered at all)...and it really got me thinking...why is this young couple, who pay taxes, who are working hard, not able to purchase some type of baseline health care when they are paying for mine, for the childish policy makers in DC, and ALL the over 65ers?
Did you notice that my move did not involve me buying "products," but rather I purchased "services." I wanted my new dishes to be made here...my couch and some of my food is made in the USA, but it is really hard to find...why didn't the government tell those folks who are supposed to be job creators make the deal sweeter by telling those very wealthy Americans: sure, we will continue to let you avoid paying taxes, AS LONG AS YOU CREATE JOBS FOR AMERICANS...this would make the extended tax cuts for the wealthy more tolerable for me...
The bottom half does not pay, the top small extremely wealthy does not pay, who pays, we do, us, the nurses, the craftsmen, the small business owners, and YES, the teachers, even though they got a bad rap when their salaries were politicized, the educated middle class...work your a** off for years, finally "make it," and then have to hold the whole country up, and then cannot even help your neighbor achieve their dreams if you want to because the government has decided only the very poor, the government workers, and the over 65 deserve baseline health care...seriously...I have much to think about....although I have a graduate degree already, I am going to get more spun up on economics and begin cultivating other models of well being and living...the American people deserve a chance to truly experience success and greatness, and they should not be held hostage because of one injury, one diagnosis in the family, or the ridiculousness of the misuse of their money right now (wars, entitlements without means testing, "bank" bail outs, unwillingness to "govern.")
On an interesting note, I just came from Alaska who takes a ton of federal money, but does not invest it into their infrastructure and they have no sales tax. I am now here in WA, who also does not have a state tax, but does have a sales tax, and I can tell you that the roads are so much better, the countryside is cleaner, the people seem to be engaged and extraordinarily polite and customer service oriented...correlation, or cause and effect? Thinking about starting a blog: focus, health care, taxes, leadership, family, "how to" if you "want to" (too many people are self medicating with food, and obesity causes the vast majority of health problems...what are we teaching our children?)
Also, my prayers and deepest sympathies go out to my esteemed brothers and sisters in arms and their families...deaths in Afghanistan :( Come back, come back and help create and sustain policy to make our country once again worth fighting for
Finally, am also researching venues for SAGE South-aka SAGE of North Spokane, and I believe I will have my first meeting at "Twigs" the martini bar in the neighborhood :)
I feel like I am "doing my part" in spending...just bought a home, and here are the jobs which were created/sustained to assist with that move: the moving guys, the cable guys, the realtors, the loan officers, the title people, the inspectors, the furniture sales people, the retail clerks, the phone people, the satellite installers, the transportation people who brought me here (the airline employees etc) (and all of their bosses and stakeholders)...I tried to buy American when ever possible, but to be frank, it is almost impossible to find ANYTHING "made in America."
There was a young man who was here installing our satellite...he was a believer in the entrepreneurial spirit, working long hours so he could be independent, and he owns his "own business." He is a sub-contractor, one of the guys contacted by the really big company to come in an install my connection to the world. We had a great conversation, and he shared with me how he had two kids, 3, and 5, and how his wife had to work outside of the home just to get health care coverage because their daughter has asthma (now, thanks to reform, his daughter cannot be denied "coverage," but her medicine costs $500 per month, and his wife cannot quit her job to stay home to care for their children because they cannot afford the medications). There are many Americans who are slaves to their employment just for the health care coverage (IF it is offered at all)...and it really got me thinking...why is this young couple, who pay taxes, who are working hard, not able to purchase some type of baseline health care when they are paying for mine, for the childish policy makers in DC, and ALL the over 65ers?
Did you notice that my move did not involve me buying "products," but rather I purchased "services." I wanted my new dishes to be made here...my couch and some of my food is made in the USA, but it is really hard to find...why didn't the government tell those folks who are supposed to be job creators make the deal sweeter by telling those very wealthy Americans: sure, we will continue to let you avoid paying taxes, AS LONG AS YOU CREATE JOBS FOR AMERICANS...this would make the extended tax cuts for the wealthy more tolerable for me...
The bottom half does not pay, the top small extremely wealthy does not pay, who pays, we do, us, the nurses, the craftsmen, the small business owners, and YES, the teachers, even though they got a bad rap when their salaries were politicized, the educated middle class...work your a** off for years, finally "make it," and then have to hold the whole country up, and then cannot even help your neighbor achieve their dreams if you want to because the government has decided only the very poor, the government workers, and the over 65 deserve baseline health care...seriously...I have much to think about....although I have a graduate degree already, I am going to get more spun up on economics and begin cultivating other models of well being and living...the American people deserve a chance to truly experience success and greatness, and they should not be held hostage because of one injury, one diagnosis in the family, or the ridiculousness of the misuse of their money right now (wars, entitlements without means testing, "bank" bail outs, unwillingness to "govern.")
On an interesting note, I just came from Alaska who takes a ton of federal money, but does not invest it into their infrastructure and they have no sales tax. I am now here in WA, who also does not have a state tax, but does have a sales tax, and I can tell you that the roads are so much better, the countryside is cleaner, the people seem to be engaged and extraordinarily polite and customer service oriented...correlation, or cause and effect? Thinking about starting a blog: focus, health care, taxes, leadership, family, "how to" if you "want to" (too many people are self medicating with food, and obesity causes the vast majority of health problems...what are we teaching our children?)
Also, my prayers and deepest sympathies go out to my esteemed brothers and sisters in arms and their families...deaths in Afghanistan :( Come back, come back and help create and sustain policy to make our country once again worth fighting for
Finally, am also researching venues for SAGE South-aka SAGE of North Spokane, and I believe I will have my first meeting at "Twigs" the martini bar in the neighborhood :)
New Chapter
- New Chapter
- New House
- New Approach
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