Solace

I spend a lot of time on the message boards of the National Alliance of the Mentally Ill. I find solace and odd comfort exchanging ideas about how to keep strong with other people confronted by seemingly insurmountable challenges. I asked my husband if he would go to a local NAMI meeting with me once we get settled, and he said "no, why would I want to go and spend time with other people who are suffering with such hardship when we ourselves are living it? What possible comfort could you glean from being around so much misery?"

Well, I had to pause and think about it...why do I get comfort from knowing that I am not the only human being in a circumstance such as mine? How is it that I have a natural leaning towards reading books on "self-help;" this has actually been a family joke; I have been teased by family members about my historical quest in learning about how human beings survive, and thrive despite amazing, impossible challenges because I thought I had survived and come through a very, very difficult time when I was in my twenties...the "hard time" of my twenties was child's play compared to what my forties have brought me.

In my twenties, I was confronted by things which would bring most people to their knees...and I came through it, I survived and overcame, and my current set of friends or colleagues would never guess the secret life I led. I promised myself that I would spend the rest of my life doing everything humanly possible to be the best person I could personally be...nothing was going to touch me...I was invincible. Through sheer discipline and heroic efforts, I pulled myself through staggering odds to become what most would consider "successful." I was so happy...I was convinced that although life might throw me a few curve balls, that I could and would handle ANYTHING, I was strong, nothin' could touch me, and then, somehow, the very two small microscopic pinpoints of possible weakness were tore open, ripped wide,  and shredded...evil found my Achilles Heels.

Here is the irony, here is what I am able to do, nothing. Not a GD thing. I have to standby and be aware of some of the most inconceivable issues which cause great suffering, and I have zero ability to impact or change...this has been a staggering blow to my being. I am a "doer," and about 8 months ago my entire life came tumbling down, I was hit by a Mack truck, twice. I have been disemboweled....and I hate the way this sounds...I sound "self absorbed," weak, as if I somehow have the monopoly on pain and suffering, when I know that this is simply not true. I can say with conviction though, that MOST American women will NEVER be confronted by what my life has brought me.

And so I flail, I am like a fish gasping for oxygen out of water, pulled from the water of my ignorant confidence, flopping around on the shore trying not to die. I have to "watch" and wait, wait for things to unfold and wonder, and ask, and figure out a new way to "be." There are a few people who know my story, and when they discover how things are, I get the response that "their problems now seem so insignificant." This does little to comfort me, knowing that my challenges/problems are perhaps greater than most. I hate the way this even sounds...how can I be this arrogant even in my inability to change the great suffering, grieving and sadness I am confronted by. I feel shame, shame to feel this ineffective, fear and frustration that I cannot do or change anything, paralysis, anger...you don't get "used to things."

Yet, yet, I know that human beings are resilient. That if one truly believes in God, then one has to know that he would not put something in one's life and leave that human being "alone" in their suffering. The way I am coping (kind of), is to know that my entire life has been a "training ground" for this time. That it is only through acceptance which my suffering is relieved...acceptance of what I cannot impact...it sounds so cliche...I still get angry, how could this have happened to us? We worked so hard, we sacrificed so much, we loved so unconditionally, we did the "right things,"... how could this be? Those are empty questions...the universe does not care, the universe instead wants me/us to move forward anyway.

Daily I take what ever small glimmer of positive hope, take what ever is unfolding and put a "positive spin" on it, just to survive. Others do this better than I. Others are able to compartmentalize, knowing that it is fruitless to put energy, or effort into issues which one cannot impact anyway...I really remain shocked that this is how my life has unfolded...all my aspirations have been set aside...my life has been reduced to "getting through," minute by minute, hour by hour, maybe sometimes having a cluster of hours which I bathe in peace...but normally not, because I have a "new normal", and I am learning how to "live" again. Is it foolish to have hope? My history tells me no, and yes, there is such a duality in life in nature...and I blog here because I have a need to express that deep seeded pain, like Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream," but the bottom line is that unless one experiences this, or something similar to this, and there are so few of us, no one can truly understand...and this is why I find some solace in the presence of others who might be experiencing some similar experience, and the really amazingly horrific thing, even among those circles, I often stand alone, being confronted by not just one life altering, staggering, impossible phenomena, but two...and all I can do is accept, wait, pray, be there, and somehow figure out how I am supposed to live now that the plans I originally made for years and years have been wiped away completely.